Let's go!
- Wang! - Chon, for God's sakes.
- Now he shows up. - I found it.
Wait. Do you want to hear?
LIN: The seal's gone.
Lin.
Roy!
Are we gonna come back?
Roy!
Must you keep doing that?
I was taught not to be seen or heard.
The seal.
I am a man of my word.
I remember watching my brother play with this
like a baby rattle.
When I'd try to touch it, the dowager empress beat me.
RATHBONE: No doubt your deprived childhood
made you into the man you are today.
Wu Chow.
Wu who?
He is the emperor's bastard brother.
He was banished from the Forbidden City
for trying to steal the Imperial Seal.
Our father caught him.
He vowed to return to claim the emperor's throne.
This guy?
RATHBONE: I'll assume everything has been arranged as discussed.
You have nothing to worry about. It's all in place.
That diamond is as big as a damn monkey's paw.
- Look at that. - Roy.
Don't even think about it.
I'm just admiring the craftsmanship, Chon.
RATHBONE: So for now, our business is completed.
Where's Lin?!
Hey! Hey!
Gotcha!
Just looking out for number one.
No!
The kid got the seal!
ROY: Chon!
It's stuck.
Lin!
Go! You can do it!
RO Y: She's got it.
She's got it!
Roy! Come on!
Chon, what in our history together
makes you think I'm capable of something like that?
- Roy! - I can't do that!
Hurry up!
[Sighs] Wait.
There's a better way.
¶ Every day I get in the queue ¶
¶ Too much, magic bus ¶
¶ To get on the bus that takes me to you ¶
Slow down!
I'm a bat out of hell!
Yee-haw!
Besides, I don't know where the brake is.
What?!
Look out!
[Both screaming]
¶ Now I've got my magic bus ¶
So, what now, buddy?
Relax, relax. Smooth sailing from here.
[Both screaming]
[Crash, glass breaking]
Yes, these are the men who attacked me.
I'm afraid the assailants have temporarily eluded us, my Lord.
Perhaps you could explain to me
how Loony Lin managed to escape
from the confines of Scotland Yard under the watch
of the most respected police force in the world.
Yes, of course. It's absolutely fascinating.
She picked the lock
using a deck of rather risqué playing cards.
Then scaled the walls with a mop, a fork...
and various pilfered undergarments.
You've got to hand it to the Chinese.
They're awfully ingenious, Lord, aren't they?
Does your incompetence know no bounds?!
[Exhales sharply]
¶ It's the time of the season ¶
¶ When love runs high ¶
¶ In this time, give it to me easy ¶
¶ And let me try with pleasured hands ¶
Where am I?
Lin!
I don't even know these women.
Lin, what are you doing here?
Oh, Lord.
Do you want to try the position on page 37?
Come here, you little minx.
[Bleats]
What?
[Bleats]
- You okay? - No, I'm not okay.
I've just been violated by a barnyard animal.
Who would leave a pile of stones in the middle of the field?
I don't know, Chon. These people are nuts.
Come on.
- Can I tell you something? - What?
This is a hell of a damn adventure we're on.
I'm having an absolute ball with you.
Me too.
Here we go.
Get your thumb out, maharaja.
- Why? - Get over here.
Excuse me!
- Lin! - Lin!
My shoulder's getting a little tight.
This is your first time in England, isn't it?
How do you know your way around? It's incredible.
I always had a good sense of direction.
You can say that again.
I wish we could say the same about you-know-who.
I once sent him over a mountain range.
He was lost forever.
One time, I sent him over the Great Wall.
- He was lost for three days. - Three days?!
Oh, gosh, we got a lot in common.
I've never met anybody like you, Roy.
- Really? - Yeah.
Hey, can I tell you something without you getting offended?
What?
You have a great body.
There. I said it. It's out in the open.
- You must work out. - Me?
Excuse me.
Chon, what are you doing?
I don't like the backseat.
Makes me sick. Dizzy.
RO Y: Whitechapel.
This looks like a nice enough neighborhood.
- What is Puss 'n ' Boots? - It's a boardinghouse.
Some of the sailors on the ship coming over recommended it.
Come on. Come on!
I won't let my sister stay here.
What are we supposed to do? Check in to the Savoy?
We'll get arrested before we get to our room.
I don't mind this place.
See? She's a little open-minded.
I know this sounds crazy 'cause I just met her...
but I think I'm falling for her.
I think she's the one.
Roy, she's my baby sister.
I know she is. Thank God!
That's the only chance I've got.
I'm getting ready to launch a little thing
called " Operation: Sweep Her Off Her Feet."
You're in a position to talk me up.
Can I count on you?
Please, buddy, I've never asked you for anything.
Sure, Roy. I'll tell her the truth.
Don't get hung up on the truth.
Feel free to smooth out your old pal's rough edges.
I love you, buddy.
Lin. Come.
Sit.
[Knock on door]
Hello, love.
Fancy a tumble?
Oh! Where were you two days ago?
I would have bedded you in a second.
Now you're looking at a changed man.
I'm sort of saving myself for someone special.
I'll give you a discount.
That's the most romantic thing any woman's ever said to me.
You better go.
You better go before we lose control. Go!
If you change your mind...
Roy!
Our father would talk about the right man for you.
He must be strong, courageous...
and a good father.
- Like Roy. - We got her, Chon.
Not like Roy.
You don't know him like I do.
He has many bad habits.
Such as?
He drinks, smokes, and he gambles.
Chon, where are you going with this?
He sleeps with women for money.
What are you...
Roy don't do that. I can see inside him.
He has a good heart.
That's right.
His salmon don't swim upstream.
He shoots blanks.
Lin, he cannot be trusted.
How could you say that? You're his friend.
Yeah, sort of.
Roy is the type of a friend
you'd never introduce to your other friends
or bring home to your family.
He never speak the truth. You know what I call him?
Not Roy O'Bannon. Roy O'Baloney.
I don't care.
Lin, I forbid it.
You are not my father.
¶ One is the loneliest number ¶
Roy, there you are.
- Hi. - Mm-hmm.
You need anything, buddy?
A whole lot of "leave me alone."
What's wrong?
Nothing.
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
I feel a little pain in my back like someone put a knife there.
I'm okay.
Don't worry about me.
¶ Yes, it's the saddest experience ¶
¶ You'll ever know ¶
¶ Because one is the loneliest number ¶
Roy!
Ta-da!
That actually reminds me of a trick.
You ever seen this one?!
Or this one?!
You think you're so cool with your karate
and your childlike reflexes.
Roy, you okay?
Look at you.
Do you really call me Roy Baloney?
Roy, you don't understand.
You just smashed my puzzle box.
I'll never figure out my message.
- Roy... - Go.
You're dead to me.
I don't know a Chon Wang.
What?
ALL: Hi, Roy.
Who loves you, baby?
- Nice try, Chon. - Roy...
I'm sorry.
You do that again, and you're a dead man.
Pillow fight!
¶ Every evening, when all my day's work is through ¶
¶ I call my baby and ask her, "What shall we do?" ¶
¶ I mention movies, and she don't seem to dig that ¶
¶ And then she asks me, why don't I come to the flat ¶
¶ And have some supper and have the evening pass by ¶
¶ By playing records beside the groovy hi-fi? ¶
¶ I said yeh, yeh ¶
¶ That's what I say ¶
¶ I said yeh, yeh ¶
¶ My baby loves me, she gets me feeling so fine ¶
¶ When she loves me, she makes me know that she's mine ¶
¶ I said yeh, yeh ¶
I am Roy Baloney!
Yes!
I'm full of it!
You are!
¶ We'll play a melody and turn the lights down low ¶
¶ So that none can see ¶
¶ We gotta do that, we gotta do that ¶
¶ And there'll be no one else alive in all the world ¶
¶ 'Cept you and me ¶
¶ Yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh ¶
¶ Yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh ¶
¶ My pretty baby, I never knew such a thrill ¶
¶ It's hard to tell you, because I'm tremblin' still ¶
¶ My pretty baby, I want you all for my own ¶
Roy?
- Roy? - [Laughter and shouting]
Lin!
[Laughter, shouting stop]
It was his idea.
- Chon! - Clothes!
[Gasps]
Nice night for a walk.
RO Y: Lin!
- Lin! - There you are!
What are you doing?
Don't you know there's a serial killer on the loose?
Forget it.
Who the hell are these guys?
Boxers.
What do they want with us?
RATHBONE: They're with me.
I think we need to have a little chat.
Chon Wang...
the man who can fight an emperor.
The emperor should never have his burial knife.
I see.
You're still my brother's lapdog.
I'm here not for him.
I'm here for my father.
Of course you are.
It was my dagger that plunged into his heart.
It's still crusted with his blood.
I know the boy has the seal.
Where is he?
We don't know.
That's the truth... we don't know.
Mmm...
What are you... What are you doing?
RO Y: Stop! Put her down!
Put her down! Put her down!
Or what, Mr. O'Bannon?
Are you gonna kick my ass?
I've read all about your ridiculous exploits.
I mean, just...
how does it feel to kill a mummy with your bare hands?
Only a nation of uneducated rednecks
would be amused by such cowboy drivel.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy.
What's with the personal attacks?
You don't see me making any comments
about your pasty complexion or your snotty accent
or even your filthy, smutty sex books.
Yeah, I saw your book. It disgusted me.
Oh, why is it always the head with you people?!
Hold it! Stop! Hold it!
Just hold it!
What are we doing here? Guys, look at this.
We're acting like animals... over what?
Some seal?
The seal represents imperial power.
I will use it to unite the emperor's enemies
and storm the Forbidden City.
What's in it for you?
You're looking at the future king of England.
You're, like, 20th in line to the throne.
10th.
But my friend is about to change all that
by simple... process of elimination.
[Snaps fingers]
It's called a machine gun.
The first of its kind... it fires 200 rounds a minute.
Testament to British ingenuity.
Oh, so you steal the seal,
and then you knock off nine royals?
You got the short end of that stick, my friend.
Dump them in the river.
Where are you taking her?
To make history.
I can already see the headlines...
"Nation mourns as Loony Lin massacres royal family."
I need your assurance that you will find the seal.
Don't concern yourself.
My men are scouring the city.
You better pray they find it... or our agreement is over,
and you will never get the crown.
Chon, I got a confession to make.
You are in love with my sister.
Well, that, but...
I didn't lose all the money on the zeppelins.
No?
Nah. I blew most of it on the Roy O'Bannon novels.
I wrote them.
No, Sage McCallister wrote them.
That's what I'm saying, buddy. I'm Sage McCallister.
You wrote those lies?!
I've always had low self-esteem.
How many books did you print?
I self-published probably a million copies.
We were actually second to the Bible that year.
Oh, you...
I guess I'm just about the worst friend
a guy could ask for.
No, you're a good friend.
Thank you.
If you really love Lin, I won't stand in the way.
Really?
But if you break her heart... I'll break your legs.
That's fair.
[Sighs] Well, friends to the end, Chon...
and this is the end.
Chon, you got a plan?
You wouldn't happen to have a plan, would you?
Yes.
- Anything I can do? - No.
Good. I'll let you do the heavy lifting, then.
[Shouting in Chinese]
Chon, hurry.
RO Y: Chon!
Chon! Chon, hurry!
Hurry!
Hurry! Chon, hurry!
Roy!
Coming!
Chon!
[Shouting in Chinese]
Oh!
The water's so dirty!
No! No! It's dirty! No!
Just go ahead and drown me. I don't care anymore.
Roy!
[Knock on door]
[Knocking continues]
You look ridiculous.
I think we look good.
I really must protest this intrusion.
Every bobby in London is out scouring the streets
for you two.
Have you been drinking?
I always drink when my employment's been terminated.
They fired you?
Lord Rathbone saw to that.
I'm sorry.
It's of no consequence.
I never wanted to be an inspector in the first place.
It was my father's idea.
I always wanted to be a writer.
Yeah.
Artie, we need your help.
Rathbone has taken Lin.
He's gonna kill the royal family
and he's gonna assume the throne.
Do you have any evidence
to support these preposterous allegations?
We have this. It's the boy's.
Use your technique. Tell us where he is.
Paraffin wax... most interesting.
He's at a church.
The little punk's hiding in a church.
No, no, no.
It's not candle wax.
I have it.
[Muffled talking]
- Don't worry. You'll get it. - What are you doing?
- He's picking the lock. - Well, hurry up!
Chon, please! Please. It's a very meticulous process.
Let Artie do his job. It's almost an art form.
It takes the precision of a surgeon.
You have to be so precise.
Maybe if we jam another one in there.
That works, too.
Lacks a certain finesse.
All right, all right. Let's split up.
What the...
I am gonna break your neck.
Come here.
[Man shouting in Chinese]
[Both shouting in Chinese]
[Charlie sneezes]
[Gasps]
Looky here.
- Come on, where is it? - What?
You know what I'm talking about.
Don't give me that "what."
What do we got here?
Oh, yes.
You don't mind if I take this back, do you?
Go on. Get out of here.
Go!
CHON: Roy?
I got it.
MAN: Give me the seal.
Give me the seal!
- MAN: All right, spread out! - [Whistle blows]
Through there!
Let's go.
The gig's up.
So, what are we gonna do?
Come on, think!
I'm not going to an English prison.
With my feathery blond hair and Chon's athletic build,
they'll try to make us the belle of the ball.
Forget it. I'm not going back.
Well, at least we'll get a good view of the fireworks
from Scotland Yard.
- Fireworks? - Yeah.
At midnight, they're launching this huge display
from a flotilla of barges on the Thames.
It's the official kickoff to the Queen's Jubilee.
Is the royal family gonna be there?
They're gonna be viewing the spectacle from a balcony
overlooking the river.
He's got a machine gun on the barge.
Yes.
[Thud, footsteps]
You gents lost your way?
Kid, tell me you got a way out.
[Exhales sharply]
RO Y: Nice move, kid.
So why did you come back?
Why did you give up the seal?
'Cause I'm a fool.
Guess I'm a fool, too.
Well, put her there, fool.
I never got your name.
Name's Chaplin...
Charlie Chaplin.
[Crowd cheering]
[Cheering intensifies]
[Cheers and applause]
- Excuse me. - Excuse me.
Excuse me, please!
- Excuse me. - Excuse me.
You warn the royal family.
I'll save Lin.
How on earth are you gonna do that?
[Cheers and applause]
[Bell tolls]
[Fireworks hissing]
[Gasps]
You okay?
I just saved you!
You were late!
What?!
[Laughter]
Nelson?
Why are you hiding yourself back there?
I shouldn't like to impede your view, Your Highness.
Nonsense. You arranged all this.
You should have a front-row view.
I regret that, uh, respectfully I must decline.
I need to keep a good eye on proceedings.
Whoo! [Laughs]
Nelson, you've outdone yourself.
Wait till you see the finale.
LIN: Hey!
MAN: Hey!
[Shouting in Chinese]
Oh!
This is hopeless.
We're not gonna get past the guards.
Well, not with that attitude we won't.
Come on, Artie. There's got to be a way.
There's always...
[Lin screams]
Lin!
RO Y: Yee-haw! Yeah!
Yee-haw!
We got to jump it!
LIN: Wu Chow!
Hold it right there, Rathboner.
I'm guessing by your hasty retreat
that you're still 20th in line for the throne.
10th.
Inspector Doyle, arrest this man.
He's got a gun!
Oh!
Come on!
- Oh! - You okay?
What happened?
Rathbone nailed Artie with a little sissy gun.
I'll look after him. You two go.
Go!
For Father.
For Old Man Wang.
Oh, my lucky playing cards.
Be careful.
Tell Rathbone to be careful.
Roy, let's go.
You're gonna need a bigger gun!
You see him?
No.
Show your face, Rathbone!
I'm gonna tear this guy apart.
Roy, you go this way. I'll go that way.
Split up? I don't know if that's a good idea.
It's okay.
He's not up here.
Roy, keep going.
Aw, come on, Roy.
Hey, uh, Rathbone...
I was just thinking of a title for my new book...
"Roy O'Bannon vs. Little Lord Sissy."
But what about " Roy O'Bannon vs. The Man Who Would Be Queen"?
No sign of him, Chon.
The coast is clear up here.
Roy! Look out!
Roy!
Oops.
RATHBONE: Come on up.
I'll show you how your father died.
Lord, help me.
Just let me know you're there. Love me. Hate me.
But let me know you're up there!
Hey, I can see our hotel from here.
Wow.
Come along.
I'm waiting.
Come on, Roy. Okay.
Roy O'Bannon will not go quietly.
You hear that, England?!
Throw whatever you want at me...
your terrible weather, your perverted killers,
your Spotted Dick!
Roy, you're about to die.
You're on the minute hand of a clock.
My life is flashing before my eyes.
Wait a minute. I don't remember her.
One more.
Oh!
How disappointing.
One more.
You killed my friend.
You killed my father!
Roy!
I thought you were dead! Oh!
You think some tea-drinking psycho
can take out Roy O'Bannon?
Whoa.
Easy there, cowboy.
Huh?
[Fireworks exploding]
You got any ideas?
Huh?
- We jump! - Jump?!
You mean fall?!
Aim for the flag!
Aw, shit.
I got to tell you something.
What?
You're the best sidekick I could ever ask for.
Thank you, Roy. I feel the same about you.
On three.
One...
Two...
- Three! - Three!
Roy. Roy!
Howdy.
In recognition of outstanding bravery,
I dub you Sir Chon Wang.
For uncommon valor,
I dub you Sir Roy O'Bannon.
And for steadfast dedication to justice,
I dub you Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
Arise.
Who loves you, baby?
MAN: Madam.
Artie, I bet Scotland Yard's dying to get you back now.
My official crime-fighting days are over.
The queen has asked me
to accompany the Imperial Seal back to China.
What a week. Unbelievable.
She couldn't have picked a better man, right, Chon?
Yeah.
And the voyage is gonna give me time to work on my new novel.
It features a new kind of detective,
and he's gonna solve crimes using deductive reasoning.
Give me a name. What's his name?
Actually, Roy, I was rather hoping
to call him Sherlock Holmes, if that's all right with you.
I'd be insulted if you didn't use it.
[Laughs]
- Ta. - See you, Artie.
That was very nice of you, Roy.
I would've kept the name if I thought it was any good.
It's a horrible name for a detective...
Sherlock Holmes. Holmes?
[Both laugh]
Will you stop playing with that? I'm gonna smash it.
I just want to see it for a second.
- Just let me see it. - No, you're gonna break it.
It's just a rock with some gibberish on it.
That's Chinese.
"Family is forever, my son.
I'm proud you cast your own stone."
Wow.
That's a good message.
[Exhales deeply]
I'd like to cast my own stone, Chon.
- Hi. - Hi.
I told you... the house of O'Bannon will prevail.
Chon, I got a business proposition for you.
No more zeppelins.
No, no, this is much better than zeppelins...
a new thing they're starting out in California
called moving pictures.
Pass.
Hold it. Hold it. Hear me out.
I really think these movies could play to your strength.
There's no sound,
so we don't have to worry about the language problem.
And I think the kung fu stuff could be huge.
People are dying for a good action picture.
What do you think?
Chon Wang, movie star?
It could work.
RO Y: I feel bad about ditching that Chaplin kid,
but we're gonna be running and gunning in Hollywood,
and he'd just cramp our style.
It's such a tough town.
Bloody tourists!
MAN: Action!
¶ People try to put us d-down ¶
¶ Talkin' 'bout my generation ¶
¶ Just because we get around ¶
¶ Talkin' 'bout my generation ¶
¶ Things, they do look awful c-c-cold ¶
You have to say "cut."
[Laughter]
You just keep looking!
¶ Talkin' 'bout my generation ¶
- ¶ This is my generation ¶ - Ouch.
¶ This is my generation, baby ¶
Come here, you little minx.
MAN: Cut.
That was good.
That was a good one, huh?
[Buzzer sounds]
Maybe on this one I should lick you... you think?
Like, after you lick me... that could be kind of good.
And, Jackie...
Jackie?
Thank you. Hi, Owen.
Hello. How are you?
Okay, and I'm not Roy O'Bannon.
Who are you?
Damn it, Chon, I think she's the one.
I know it's crazy. We just met, but she's the one.
No, Roy, she's my babysitter.
Your babys...
What?
Baby what?
Baby sister.
Baby sister?
Not babysitter. Baby sister.
You okay?
MAN: Action!
What happened?
Roy is the type of a friend you never introduce
to your other friends or bring into your family.
He's... Look at his eyes. They're brown... full of shit.
Always...
Just bullshit all the time.
Yeah, have you ever heard of those?
They're parents. We have parents that love us.
You don't, 'cause you're a little orphan.
You don't... We've got par... Yeah, parents.
Have you ever heard of those? We've got parents that love us.
But you don't, 'cause you're a little orphan.
Oh, go on.
So mean.
Chon Wang, movie star?
It could work.
You could do your own stunts.
What? My own stunts?
Ow!
Whoa! Whoa!
Stay here and be a good horsey for the new sheriff.
Ouch! Oh!
Ow. That hurt.
Ow! Ooh!
Ow!
Oh!
[Speaking Chinese]
You're supposed to catch me!
Roy, catch.
- Jesus. - That's my fault.
Wait a second.
This nut is killing your street women?
[Cellphone rings]
Who did that?
Jackie Chan.
Me?
That's right.
[Laughter]
- That was the... - First time.
- The best take. - I'm sorry.
Hurry up!
RO Y: Are you crazy?! I can't do that!
This isn't Chinatown! I can't sail through the air!
- I'm not gonna break my neck! - Roy!
What in our history together
makes you think I'm capable of something like that?
It's getting bigger!
There's got to be a better way.
Roy!
My ass is on fire.
¶ I'm not content to be with you ¶
¶ In the daytime ¶
¶ Girl, I want to be with you ¶
¶ All of the time ¶
¶ The only time I feel all right ¶
¶ Is by your si-i-de ¶
¶ Girl, I want to be with you ¶
¶ All of the time ¶
¶ All day and all of the night ¶
¶ I believe that you and me ¶
¶ Last forever ¶
¶ Oh, yeah, all day and night I'm yours ¶
¶ Leave me never ¶
¶ The only time I feel all right ¶
¶ Is by your si-i-de ¶
¶ Girl, I want to be with you ¶
¶ All of the time ¶
¶ All day and all of the night ¶
[Whistling]
¶ All of the night ¶
¶ Oh, come on ¶
[Guitar solo]
¶ The only time I feel all right ¶
¶ Is by your si-i-de ¶
¶ Girl, I want to be with you ¶
¶ All of the time ¶
¶ All day and all of the night ¶
¶ Girl, I want to be with you ¶
¶ All of the time ¶
¶ All day and all of the night ¶
¶ Girl, I want to be with you ¶
¶ All of the time ¶
¶ All day and all of the night ¶
¶ All day and all of the night ¶ ¶
[Mid-tempo music plays]
[Music ends]